Saturday, September 24, 2011

Exercise in Repetition~Two Poems


For Poetics at dVersePoets Pub this week, which I have the fun of guest-hosting for Brian Miller (who is off celebrating his wife's birthday) the prompt is repetition. Here are two short poems, one in free verse and the other in form (a villanelle) which use repetition to structure and drive the piece.


A Simple Chimney Song



When the moon comes over the chimney
calling calling
bits of stars come tumbling
falling falling
the wind blows diamond voices
singing singing
and the bell of night’s brass bright
ringing

a lover’s lullaby
moonshine in your eye;
come sit beside me love,
let grief pass by.

When the dark comes over the chimney
breaking breaking
bits of heart come tumbling
aching aching
the wind blows diamond razors
raining raining
and the racer in the night is
gaining

lovers say goodbye
moonsmoke in the eye;
the house is empty love,
and time to cry.
 
September 2011





Blood and Sand
A villanelle

Blood in the sand where no waters run;
words  grow tall where crops all fail.
God hides behind a burning sun.

Robbers go and robbers come,
centuries turn in the hot wind’s tail;
blood in the sand where no waters run.

The desert eats what the heart’s begun.
Blood is drawn like oil from shale.
God hides behind a burning sun.

The crow will pick when the jackal’s done
and leave the bones to mark the trail;
blood in the sand where no waters run.

Prayers come from the end of a gun.
The dervish whirls and  women wail.
God hides behind a burning sun.

It ends and then it’s just begun.
The crop of words will never fail.
Blood in the sand where no waters run;
God hides behind a burning sun.

April 2011

(originally posted for One Shoot Sunday at One Stop Poetry, 
Photo by Rosa Frei  
Used with permission, courtesy of OSP)





Posted for   Poetics  at dVerse Poets Pub
 
Come share a new or older poem that showcases repetition with us. 
Link in is live til midnight 9/25/11




40 comments:

  1. beautiful poems both - your chimney song is heart-breaking melancholic - such a bluesy mood..almost like a song indeed
    the villanelle has a fast beat...very effective first line with the blood and sand..and you manage to capture the recklessness and power of the desert in your words..yep - loved both of them

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  2. Thanks Claudia. Yours was especially musical, I thought.

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  3. What great examples, Hedge, of how repetition can strengthen and enhance the themes and structure of a poem! Both are great writes. But I really like the villanelle. You chose excellent words/phrases to repeat for high-impact imagery, such that the last stanza (and the last two lines in particular) do exactly what they're supposed to do--really pack a poetic punch. Thanks for sharing!

    PS--I've missed you, my friend, and missed your words.

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  4. Both poems are uniquely beautiful, showing how repetition can be employed differently to build various effects. Well penned. Love the poetry offered tonight.

    Beth

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  5. Seriously, Joy...I so hope you don't expect me to pick a favorite! Both of these bleed brilliancy. Perfect in their rhythm, presentation, wordplay. My goodness, I have so missed reading these writes over the past week! This is just like coming home...thank you!

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  6. in chimney song, i love how the last one does not repeat.

    in the villanelle, that's how i saw the desert, before I moved and lived in it. it'st not like that to me any longer.

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  7. moonsmoke in the eye...nice...def lyrical in tht first one hedge...the repition makes it a little sing song playful at the beginning which gives a nice contrast for your mood...

    thanks a bunch for doing poetics...got a 30 min break before dinner so trying to read a few...

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  8. Both are beautiful. Repetition really does heighten emotions within poems. I love the line "God hides behind a burning sun" in the second poem!

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  9. The chimney reads like a sing-a-long song. Blood and sand a very dry, gritty read. Both are lovely

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  10. superb on both counts Hedge - the repitition device is newish to me - thanks for the prompt its a very effective tool - as you have demonstrated so well

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  11. I think your simple chimney song is utterly fabulous..one of the best things I've read all week. It settled like a flake of soot on my eyelids.

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  12. Interesting pairing here. The first shows the power of repetition in song, lacing something here between gospel and blues (maybe both- gospel blues, perhaps?), the repeated words sung by the chorus, fellow harrroweds, anyone who's loved in moonlight ... In the second, the villanelle shows the power of turning things around -- troping -- finding new ignitions and cognitions in words and lines moved here and there. My fave, I think, is "Chimney Song," for the power that comes so directly from this conversation with the moon. - Brendan

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  13. first, i just needed to sit with the chimney song for a bit before i could even read the next one. Love is so cyclical... a heartbreaking write.

    The second... as beautiful in form as in words. Thanks for hosting Hedge, you are a very gifted woman.

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  14. Two fantastic writes. Both are so brilliant and evocative. I am wowed.

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  15. I really do like the transition line in V 1 & 3. i have never seen that done quite so smoothly before. And well Joy, I am sure you know how I feel about the second piece. Bring all the bleeding ones and the ones not bled yet HOME.

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  16. Thanks all. Your time and input always appreciated.

    @Ami: Long time no see, girl. Good to have you come by, and many thanks.

    @brian: thanks for tearing yourself away from the nonstop party, my friend. ;_) Now go kiss your wife, or at least buy her dessert.

    @B Thanks for reading--and sorry to be such a buzzkill after your hilarious entry--still mildly snickering to myself.

    @twm: Can't come home soon enough afa I'm concerned--thanks.

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  17. Joy~ I almost did a villenelle, but decided on the monotetra form... I especially like the first piece.

    ~laurie

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  18. I read the second as a commentary on our longest war and I apologize if I'm off base there. The first is like a distillation of your sestina, marvelous and affecting. The second was especially powerful for me, especially after my visit to the Middle East. Too many magnificent lines to quote back they'd just fill up your comments with your poems. Loved them and thank you for hosting!

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  19. Oh much enjoyed both, but since I do not know how to write villanelles I especially liked that one..

    With "blood and sand" I immediately felt it was the story of our soldiers at war.

    both so well done.. very much enjoyed the poetry:-)

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  20. I admire you word choices in the villanelle. The oil from shale, the crow and jackal, the women wailing. Very evocative and stark, and then you slip in "a crop of words will never fail." Sly thing.

    But it is the first one that just stopped me in my tracks. It is beautiful, lulling, and in the end, melancholy. I absolutely loved it. One of my favorites of yours for its sheer simple beauty of language.

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  21. @Anna: Yes, it's about that--you're totally on base. And the first was written just a day or two before the sestina, so probably you're right, they're sisters. Thanks for reading.

    @FB: Thank you, dear friend. That was the moon talking, I think.

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  22. I love the first one esp the ing verbs - they really bring the poem to life in a musical lullaby kind of way - almost hypnotic. I also enjoyed the second and remember it from one shot. Thanks for hosting - such a great prompt!

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  23. Two fantastic poems. The first is like a sad lullaby. The second, much more stark but very powerful. Great prompt idea!

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  24. In the villanelle the lines are strong. The idea of God hiding - you'll get no argument from me. I'm particularly taken by the line "It ends and then it’s just begun."

    What I like about the chimney song is how the reader anticipates repeating "gaining", but everything stops and empties out. The song suddenly ends, leaving silence and loneliness. That's really well done and beautiful.

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  25. The first poem is a sweetly lyrical blues, but the villanelle, scorched with blood in the sand, could easily be a powerful lament for Macbeth!

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  26. Very nice examples.. I see the refraining words working so well. The first one is gentle and soothing while the second is vivid and gripping specially these lines:

    Blood in the sand where no waters run;
    God hides behind a burning sun.

    Thanks for hosting tonight ~

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  27. Hats off to Villanelle - love both of these - can't decide between them

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  28. I simply love your chimney song it is one of the best poems I have read all week. This is excellent work and thank you for sharing
    http://gatelesspassage.com/2011/09/24/loneliness-the-anger-of-lost-hope/

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  29. Nice. Man, I sure am digging dVerse!

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  30. Great examples of how repetition can impact the writing. The first has such a strong lyrical quality. The second... WOW. Love the feel of emotion behind the:

    Blood in the sand where no waters run;
    God hides behind a burning sun.

    Thanks for hosting such a fabulous prompt for this weeks Poetics! My Journalism teacher in high school was a major Poe fan, reciting his works in every class.

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  31. You are quickly becoming a favorite poet of mine.
    I think I love the first one most, just behind loving the second one most after loving the first one best! :)

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  32. love your chimney song... you get the blue ribbon in my book today... nice piece

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  33. The Chimney Song is so lyrical! Love it!

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  34. Such different poems..such contrasting moods..the first a reflective smoky cloud of melancholy..the second a sharp political lament for the exploited... In both, repetition creates mood and delivers thematic punch.. Bravo.

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  35. Beautiful ....both ...great message in the 2nd one loved both of these thank you x

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  36. This is terrific-- esp. the latter one in terms of how it is laser-guided to the heart and soul. Oh human infamy. the first is absolutely and enthrallingly mnemonic-- the sort of poem I first heard as a child that fell me in love with language. xxxj

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  37. I liked them both so much. The first one feels like my heart has felt for the last three months. The second, deft and careful, a telling villanelle with so many fine lines interweaving. Thank you for hosting. You bring your special warmth and light to any task you do. You are a sparkling gem!

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  38. Love both poems. The first sounds like a lullaby and should have gentle music, sad, aching...

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  39. The first suggests something 19th century -- the poem reminds me of poems from the Romantic/Victorian periods. The second one - is beautiful. Great examples of how repetition can be used.

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'Poetry is an echo asking a shadow to dance' ~Carl Sandburg