Saturday, April 7, 2012

Lover's Moon


Lover’s Moon

 
A paper star falling in garden'd night
blown free as detritus, broke-petal'd loon
ground into spring's carpet, too small for sight
I'm coaxed by a merciful crescent moon.

Some say she’s a woman, lying and fair
an inconstant firefly gone too soon
roulette wheel of faces under her hair
while mercy shines down from my lady moon.

Some say he’s a man, full of wink and grin
his face made from craters bleary, jejune
one side too bright and the other too dim
while mercy shines from the man in the moon.

And what do I say, the empty wrapper
the grey punctured leaf, the rosethorn buffoon?
I say each one sees the face he’s after
while mercy shines down from the crescent moon.




 April 2012


Posted for   real toads

Kerry's Sunday Challenge: the Kyrielle
(or alternately a musical, bookshelf art inspired write;see link)
Kerry defines the form: 
"The name kyrielle derives from the Kýrie, which is part of many Christian liturgies. It is a French rhyming form that originated in troubadour poetry and is written in quatrains, in which each quatrain contains a repeating line as a refrain (usually appearing as the last line of each stanza). Originally, the phrase "Lord, have mercy", or a variant on it, was used as a refrain." 

You can read more at the link above. I've used the abaB, cbcB etc rhyme scheme, and altered the syllable count to ten, because I missed the part that said it was eight. *blush*


And as always, for fun, and for those who prefer free verse, here is the unpacked, chaotic original from which I drew the form version:

Lover's Moon


Sitting in the night garden
just another wind blown
bit of detritus, petal, old leaf
shredded paper rapper
ground into spring’s carpet,
I’m coaxed by the crescent moon.

Some say she’s a woman
because she changes herself
day by day, making an endless
circle of faces, the full heavy orb
of ivory breast, the curve of hunter’s bow,
the veiled and disappeared mystery,

ever fading, returning,
inconstant and a lie.
Or some say the moon is a man
full of wink and grin
one side always bright, absorbing
the energy of something bigger
the other always cold, turned away.

What do I say, 
bit of trodden compost 
blown in the night wind? 
I say

the moon is a rock mirror
distant surface reflecting,
watching 
over every lover
who’s lost.
March 2012



Image:  Thorns, © joy ann jones 2012



23 comments:

  1. goodness...believe it or not i actually think i like the form on better...scary huh? haha...the mixes on your closing line are nice...and i dunno, i guess if i had a choice she'd be a woman but that just validates your closing stanza...smiles.

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  2. Goodness... goddess, both are so lovely.

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    1. Thank you, Mary. Appreciate you stopping to read and comment.

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  3. I, like Brian, like the kyrielle, both closings are solid though.

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  4. That faint sound you hear? It's my sincere applause! This was such an excellent idea in the free verse, seemingly waiting for the form which would transform it into something magical. I love the description of the man's face: one side too bright and the other too dim. I also decided to add a few subtle changes to my repeating line; I always think that adds an interesting dimension to refrains.

    I thoroughly enjoyed this post, Hedge.

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    1. Thanks, Kerry--yours was magical also, and the refrain change was a huge factor. I really like what the form did for this little scribble--and that's the whole reason I love playing with forms so much--thanks for the introduction to this one.

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  5. A kyrielle,it is! Great new form, Hedge! Something I've not tried. The rhyming is a challenge!

    Hank

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  6. The comparison of versions is a good analogy between flying and falling to me: both are up in the air, though the former is winging (with mercy) what the latter rings (with a cooler eye and more distant sigh) a more modern, gravid truth. Charm versus theorem, I suppose. Yet both are modes of soul, the one longing to rise above while the other is brave to see down into. And faith or faithless, the end is the same, since the moon will reflect and light or gaze cast upon it like a mirror. With mercy, thank Whoever(s). The moon demands rhyme and meter, yet I think s/he also loves the thornier stems, too. - Brendan

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    1. Every moon has its thorn, eh. I love your analogy of flying and falling--the latter's peril so determined by where one lands. Thanks for reading on this luminous spring morning, B.

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  7. I like the form very much...and how creatively you repeated the last line ~

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  8. This is so good, you are helping me get my poetic groove back with your wonderful writing!

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  9. WOW! what a beautiful Kyrielle!!!!!! I love that you posted the poem you adapted, such a difference. Both wonderful, but the lilt and rhythm of the Kyrielle and the repeating merciful moon theme is just lovely to read. Thanks, Hedge........I learned a lot from what you have presented here.

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  10. This reads so smoothly and pleasingly; I think you did a wonderful job on the form, Joy. Plus, I just like the word "jejune".

    As any beautiful woman can tell you, if you just stay quiet and look mysterious, people will assign all sorts of qualities and thoughts to you, whether they are "you" or not. La Lune, she is a past master at it!

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  11. It's a rabbit pounding mochi, of course. ;) So much moon lately. Love it. (I prefer the first too, though I like the second as well.)

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    1. Thanks, YH. Now I have to look that one up. ;-) The moon and I spend a lot of time together.

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  12. I have to say that I think the Kyrielle is just beautiful. (They both are good poems, but the other has this kind of music that's like slipping down the side of the crescent--flows off the tongue--and works well with the conceit of the poem. K.

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    1. By the other, I mean the kyrielle. I'm sorry not to be very clear. I'm very tired tonight and a bit brain dead. k.

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    2. I got ya. I like the kyrielle version better myself--Some stuff really does do better with a structure. Thanks, K. Glad you enjoyed, and get some rest.

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  13. isn't that the truth, we each see what or whom we want to see. wonderful job with your rhymes, very beautiful!

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  14. Wow, your kyrielle just blows me away! Great rhyming, great variation to the last line, just wonderful!

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  15. I love love love all of the variations in the last line.

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  16. they are both a good reads. i prefer the first, but there are lines in the second i adore, such as bit of trodden compost blown in the night wind... shredded paper wrapper... energy of something bigger... watching over every lover who is lost

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  17. Damn, Hedge. You wield that form like you invented it.

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'Poetry is an echo asking a shadow to dance' ~Carl Sandburg