Progression
of a Down
Someone
gives her bottled honey
but she's in the mood for
vinegar. Someone gives her that
and
she calls out for wine.
Blood
invades
her cheeks.
Bile
from
her slowsouring soul
makes
her break her scarlet roses
against
the spotless door.
At
last, someone gives her darkness,
a
green window closes;
the
flies drop their aimless circling
for
the delectable
buds
that
won't open
tight
against
her cancelled face.
~February 2013
posted for real toads
Fireblossom Friday
The incomparable Fireblossom has us tackling a stanza form from British late Victorian poet A.E. Housman. She explains it much better than I could at the link above.
Disclaimer:I did not pay much attention to meter in this and wrote purely to the syllable count, which gives this a different cadence to the Housman example and more of a free verse feel.
Disclaimer:I did not pay much attention to meter in this and wrote purely to the syllable count, which gives this a different cadence to the Housman example and more of a free verse feel.
Image: Leeds Castle by Karen Roe via Flick'r Creative Commons
Hover mouse for attribution or click picture to follow to photographer's page.
wow so sad
ReplyDeleteThis poem follows its title inexorably. How ell you convey the restless dissatisfaction, the closing down and shutting out, and the terrible isolation of depression and despair. The language is deceptively gentle, but the meaning is emotionally harrowing.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for taking part in my challenge, Hedge. Excellent work indeed.
cancelled face? well that sits with me in a disturbing way.
ReplyDeleteAh, my work here is done!
Delete*guffaw*
DeleteYikes. Ouch. I am trying to find a silver lining here. (AT least she got some wine!) Very lovely sound - you do manage a kind of meter and a bit of rhyme, the words with an inexorability about them; a lot of great "o" words, and 'oo' but not really the normal ones - (as in woe and moon)--so to me makes for very interesting sound. Agh. I'm feeling low now though. k.
ReplyDelete(P.S. she should have stuck with the honey- at least make the flies happy.)
Don't mean to sound so grim. Just saying that it's effective! k.
DeleteNot everything has a silver lining, imo--and when you buy into the down, it tends to break the roses and cancel the buds. However, no one has to be the she here--it is a voluntary choice, again in imo, to throw away the honey and demand vinegar from life.
DeleteLaughing at pleasing the flies! They aren't fussy. ;_)
I'm not for vinegar or honey actually-- so maybe will stick with the wine. (Ha.)
DeleteAlways a good choice--especially when bile is the alternative. ;_)
DeleteFrom its title to its closing line, this marks the downward spiral so well. The reader feels the descent as well. As Shay says, harrowing. Such good work!
ReplyDeleteI read this a couple times to get the full effect of the descent and the cancelled face hits like an undeniable end. And yes she should have stuck with the honey!
ReplyDeleteI think you have worked wonders with the basic pattern and produced something that is all your own. I expected nothing less, and you have created a vivid image, shades of dark and touches of light in the honey, the wine, the roses. I really enjoyed the reading experience.
ReplyDeleteThank you Kerry. I was hoping bending the rules would not be fatal. ;_)
DeleteSome biting images here...sharp and concisely conveyed, Hedge. I enjoyed this! My approach was the same, syllabic free-verse. :)
ReplyDeleteThe tragedy really does resound in this poem. It certainly does impact the reader.
ReplyDeleteI loved how you wrote more according to your own rhythm than going by the rule. Your poem flows beautifully but there's a dark undercurrent in it:
ReplyDeleteBlood
invades her cheeks.
Bile
from her slowsouring soul
makes her break her scarlet roses
against the spotless door.
I quite liked that. Thanks.
Greetings from London.
such sadness, really well done
ReplyDeletenice...def a free verse feel to it hedge...interesting how they keep giving her things but not what she asks....the flies dropping is a cool tangible image...and the cancelled face....strong...
ReplyDelete"Slowsouring." That is some perfect wordsmithery.
ReplyDeleteA downward spiral indeed. I read it three times and also enjoyed "slowsouring" Just love the way your poetry evokes emotion.
ReplyDeleteYes, a downward spiral...Life has choices..we can have honey or vinegar...sometimes both. lol
ReplyDeleteHedge, you write this kind of verse beautifully, and with feeling. Blow the iambs, I say! But I agree that syllable counting results in free verse rather than metrical form.
ReplyDeleteFrom the opening line there was an inevitability ... as Sherry writes, a downward spiral .. I knew what was coming.
ReplyDeleteUh. It feels like me in the past. I've stopped asking for vinegar now. I'm allergic to the flies. And I don't want the "cancelled face"! Did you just say that! Cancelled Face!! I'll never ever want for vinegar now!! Oh god, it's brilliant.
ReplyDeleteslowsouring soul... amazing phrase!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.kimnelsonwrites.com/2013/02/17/runners/